Why “You’re Okay” Doesn’t Work (and What to Say Instead)

​A child trips and falls in the middle of the grocery store aisle. Their eyes widen. Their lip quivers. The adult with them quickly says, “You’re okay! You’re okay!”—their voice light, a little rushed, trying to help.

But the child still cries. Maybe louder. Maybe harder. Maybe they crumble into a full meltdown.

What just happened?

It’s something we see all the time: a child is visibly upset, and a well-meaning adult tries to soothe them with reassurance. “You’re okay” feels like the right thing to say—calm them down, move the moment along. Especially in public.

But here’s the truth: when someone is struggling, telling them they’re okay doesn’t always help. Sometimes, it makes things worse.

What Kids (and Their Brains) Need in Stressful Moments

To understand why “You’re okay” can miss the mark, we have to understand what’s happening in a child’s brain when they’re upset.

When a child feels hurt, scared, or overwhelmed, their nervous system shifts into a stress response—fight, flight, or freeze. Their heart rate goes up. Their thinking brain "goes offline". Their body is flooded with cortisol and adrenaline.

In that moment, they aren’t calm. And they aren’t okay—yet.

So when we say, “You’re okay,” what they often hear is: Your feelings aren’t real. You’re making too big a deal. I need you to stop.

This disconnect can make kids feel confused, dismissed, or even shamed.

And for the caregiver? Saying “You’re okay” often comes from a place of anxiety—I don’t want them to feel pain. I don’t want people watching. I don’t want to mess this up. That pressure is real, especially in public. It’s a moment of vulnerability—for both the child and the adult.

So What Can We Say Instead?

The goal isn’t to label a child’s feelings—it’s to validate them and offer co-regulation. To say: I see you. I’m with you. You don’t have to carry this alone.

Here are a few phrases that can help:

“That was really loud/scary/surprising, huh?”

Helps name the child’s experience and shows you’re tuned in.

“You fell and that hurt. I’m here.”

Communicates presence, not pressure.

“You didn’t like that. I’ve got you.”

Affirms the child’s feelings while offering calm.

“Let’s take a breath together.”

Invites co-regulation instead of control.

These aren’t magic words—but they are connection tools. They send cues of safety to the brain, which helps downshift the nervous system. Over time, this helps kids build internal language and resilience, because they’re learning: Feelings are safe. Support is available. I’m not alone.

What About in Public?

When these moments happen in public—on the bus, in line at a store, at a community center—the stakes feel higher. Caregivers may feel exposed, judged, or anxious about “making a scene.”

That’s where bystanders come in. Not to step in and fix. But to shift the emotional tone.

If you witness a moment like this, consider:

• Making warm eye contact with the caregiver

• Offering a calm, nonjudgmental smile

• Distracting the child with something playful

• Saying quietly, “You’re handling this with so much care.”

These responses affirm both the child and the caregiver. They lower stress and invite connection—without overstepping.

Why This Matters

When children are supported through big feelings—instead of shut down or rushed—they build emotional resilience. They learn that it’s safe to feel. That adults can handle their distress. That connection doesn’t disappear when things get hard.

And when caregivers are supported—instead of judged or ignored—they’re more likely to respond with calm and confidence. That builds safety not just for the child in that moment, but for the whole community.

Support Over Silence is a cultural shift. It says: Your feelings matter. You are not alone. We’re in this together.

Visit supportoversilence.com for tools, trainings, and tips to help create calmer, more connected public spaces—one kind interaction at a time.