What Do We Think About Parents When They Struggle?

​You’re standing in line at the pharmacy. A toddler starts to whine. The parent hushes them with growing tension. The child yells louder. You feel your shoulders tense.

A thought bubbles up: They need to get that kid under control.

And then—maybe, just maybe—you pause.

Because here’s the truth: our reactions to parenting in public say more about us than they do about the families we’re watching.

Attribution Bias: When We Forget the Context

When we see a parent struggling—raising their voice, looking overwhelmed, struggling to soothe a child—we’re not just observing a situation. We’re interpreting it through the lens of our own experiences:

• How we were parented

• What we’ve been told “good parenting” looks like

• What makes us feel uncomfortable in public

And all of that is deeply human. It’s normal to have snap judgments. But if we don’t examine them, we risk reinforcing something bigger: a culture that treats parenting as a performance to critique, not a relationship to support.

Psychologists call it attribution bias. When someone else struggles, we tend to blame their character:

• She’s out of control.

• He’s a bad parent.

• That’s what’s wrong with kids these days.

• They can’t handle their own kid.

But when we struggle, we may be more likely to consider the context:

• I didn’t sleep last night.

• I’m doing my best.

• This moment doesn’t define me.

This bias shows up all the time—especially in parenting moments. And especially in public, where the pressure is high and compassion tends to go low.

Regulate First. Respond Second.

What if we flipped the script?

What if, instead of assuming the worst, we asked:

What else might be going on here?

• Is this parent exhausted?

• Are they unsupported?

• Are they doing everything they can with a child who’s having a really hard day?

That small internal shift changes everything.

When we pause to consider what else might be true, we give ourselves space to stay regulated—to stay in our calm, connected brain instead of spiraling into judgment. And when we’re regulated, we’re far more likely to show up with compassion.

That might look like:

• A warm glance that says I see you.

• A small distraction for the child.

• A simple, steady, “You’re doing great.”

These aren’t big, dramatic interventions. But they are meaningful moments of connection. They offer nervous system-level support to a parent who may be running on empty.

Because no parent should feel like they’re being watched just waiting to fail. They should feel like someone sees their effort—and is on their team.

Unlearning the “Ideal Parent” Myth

We’ve all been taught a story about what good parenting looks like—calm, consistent, always in control. But real parenting includes tears. Mess. Noise. Stress. It includes moments when nothing works and you’re just trying to hold it together in front of strangers.

Sometimes we internalize those old stories about who deserves empathy, who’s “doing it right,” who gets judged, and that keeps us from connecting with our neighbors in a stressful moment.

Practice Is the Path

The good news? This isn’t something we’re born knowing how to do. It’s something we can learn. It starts with curiosity about our own reactions and it grows with practice. Over time, it becomes second nature.

The more we pause to notice our thoughts, the more we create room to choose a different response—one rooted in empathy, not evaluation.

And those choices matter.

Because when we shift from judgment to support, we don’t just help individual parents—we help build communities where everyone feels calmer, safer, and more connected.

Rewire your lens. Spend one day this week practicing “support over surveillance” in public spaces. Notice your judgments. Choose empathy instead.

Want more tools for showing up with care instead of critique? Join our mailing list at supportoversilence.com for tips, real-world stories, and strategies that help make small bystander actions count.